The worldly ways. I've recently found out that I'm deeply influenced by the worldly ways. I've began to do the things which I am not suppose to do. Where did my conscience go? What did I do.. till I lost my track? It's probably too late to undo the mistakes. I never learn from my mistakes. The saying 'once bitten twice shy' somehow does not apply to me. I wonder when I will be mature enough to think wisely and not to repeat the same old mistakes again. I've come to realize that I am quite a materialistic person. I seem to be green of envy of people who are considered much more lucky than me. I always wanted to be in their place, but I know it will never happen. It would probably happen, but maybe in 10 years time. I am rather impatient person, and therefore I do not have the patience to wait for something which I don't think will ever happen to me. I've always believed in faith, but I've learned to be realistic as well. Whenever I harbour some hope on something, it will only end with disappointment. Disappointment is like a slap on the face. It smacks, real hard. Nobody likes to be spanked at all.

Hitherto I feel like I'm just hanging on, clinging on a rope. So many thoughts are swimming in my head. I can't wait any longer. But whenever I taste something which I like, I can never be satisfied with it. I ask for more, and that is greed. Greed can make everything fall apart. And that is when my hopes were too high till I was doomed to disappointments. A couple of letdowns is able to kill me. And I certainly don't want to be labelled as a failure. I've always wanted to be the best and achieve better than others. But it is easier said than done. Perhaps I was too lazy or perhaps I was impotent, and soon I had stupid delusions that told me to just wait, and everything will fall back into place. If you don't start working, you're never going to achieve what you want. Not even in a million years. And I am so gullible to believe the fact that everything will be okay and I don't need to do anything.

It's time to be realistic. The worldly ways isn't God's plan. And why I am being pulled to follow the worldly way. I ponder, ponder and ponder. Perhaps the worldly ways does fulfil my selfish desires. If I ever got all the things I wanted, I would have gone astray from Him. The desideratum of what I longed for was money and power. The less I received, I more I wanted. This is our human nature. We're imperfect after all. Ironic it may seem, because I often advise my friends about life, relationships and yet I cannot handle it myself. I never wanted to be ostracized by other people. I never wanted to be a desolate figure, standing in darkness. I didn't want to be a social pariah. I wanted to be highly looked up on, and so, I tried too hard. There were moments where I felt like I was sabotaging my own efforts and my life was in jeopardy. Besides, I have always been narcissistic that I tend to look down on others. I was wrong. I was being judgemental to practically everyone around me. When jealousy engulfs me, words come out like poison thorns.

Pride. I always take pride in everything I do. Some people regard me as arrogant because at times I am over-confident. The higher hopes you put on something, the higher disappointment you get. They say that pride comes before a fall. I agree to it because I can relate to that. It is saddening, yeah, but I've learned to learn from my mistakes. If I was younger, I console myself by denying my own mistakes. I would lick my own wound. Then, I would be living in denial. Albeit I despise situations like these, this is life. The journey of life is.. this. You have to face it no matter what. Predicaments like these make you stronger. The more hardships you face, the more mature you get. It helps you to move on to another stage of life, where you're able to differentiate between what's right and what's wrong. Like what Rodimus Prime aka Hot Rod said, Experience is the benchmark of maturity.

So, to sum everything up, I am trying not to follow the worldly ways. It will not dominate my life. I've made my final decision =) I pray that everything will be fine.

When you're depressed, just suck it up and smile :) You never know who will be falling in love with your smile :)