cause i don't feel like talking.

but i have something to say.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Yup, I'm back. Not for good heh. After contemplating for a very long period of time, I personally feel that it is time for me to leave this humble abode of mine, simply because I want to move on with bigger things.

And yeah, I have moved on to another place.

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have
Cos you don't like the way they seem to be going
You cut them up and spread them out on the floor
You're full of hope as you begin rearranging
Put it all back together.

I doubt anyone reads this, anyway.

Time to close the curtain :)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thank God it's Friday ;-) I can finally let my hair down for a day or two but I'd still have to complete my presentation, assignments and reports all in one day.

Beware..stupid post ahead. hahahahahahhha

Too many things came crashing on me recently:(

First, a close family friend of mine passed away unexpectedly. I had a few regrets, which I know, I have failed myself. I had cherishing moments with him, and yet I couldn't be there to bid farewell to him. My ignorance had caused me such regrets.

Second, Joanna was diagnosed with a disorder recently. She seemed pretty depressed, hopeless and helpless. I don't want her to leave her in denial and yet I don't want her to face the harsh reality of truth because I know, her tiny heart cannot take it. It could be too painful for her. And I'd hate to see her suffer :(

Third, I got dumped. By Rick. hahahahhha

Fourth, the problem which I have been facing for 4 years. Negative thoughts are flooding again, and I'm trying my best to keep hope alive. HAIHZ.

Lastly, about MJ. I'd always loved him, despite the stupid baseless allegations and also the tabloids. He never once touched those kids. I've got hundreds of facts to prove to you that he's purely innocent. He had a big heart to give to the less fortunate, and the world's just too sick to make use of his humanity for their own cruel and selfish intentions. What a horrid life. His kids were his biggest source of happiness, and yet the media refused to leave them alone. If only, he could have a day of pure happiness, that would be just enough. More than enough. One of the biggest misconception ever about him was that he bleached his skin. He had Vitiligo, for goodness sake. It's a skin disorder where white patches form on your skin and he resorted to going to the dermatologist for skin treatments to even his skin tone. Yet, all fingers are pointed at him. Never ending stream of accusations, malicious lies, fabricated stories and stupid rumours. The world is superficial and gullible for believing such lies. They judged him. Scornfully. And when he died, people became forgiving instead. People tend to be forgiving when there's death. Should I say, death is a wake up call to realize, or perhaps, its only faux forgiveness? I don't know. All MJ wanted was his childhood memories. His childhood memories were robbed. After all, he's still a young boy at heart - yearning of company, and love, like any other beings on earth would wish for. Yet, he smiled because he was hurting. (oxymoron statement. BAH)

That fact saddens me more when I listen to Gone Too Soon, Smile, You Are Not Alone and Man in the Mirror. I grieved, I cried, I weeped a bucket of tears when I was watching the memorial service. And also his concert in Bucharest.

“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."

Your tenacity, passion, heart of gold, unsurpassed love is indeed, one in a million. The world may not see it, but I can, and I'll always do.

I need barbiturates lah deng

Monday, June 01, 2009

Mood swings are inevitable. I would be lying if I were to say that I've never experienced it. There are series of ups and downs, which I presume you are able to see that some posts are about some crazy stuff and some are just downright depressing. Inconsistency. The day officially wraps up with some reflections. Words, thoughts, actions ; they linger in my mind.

I realize that I depend on Him a whole lot. In whatever I do, in whatever I accomplish, I really depend on Him. But sometimes, my dependency on Him becomes so mundane and I don't see the significance of it. I admit, I've been struggling with my past (and also present) about actions that I have done which have hurt Him and also myself. Taking things for granted, skipping devotions/prayer time because I was just too occupied with my own stuff. The exhaustion. Days turn to weeks. Weeks changed into months.

The connection was lost. I wanted to get closer to Him, but my past actions have hindered me from doing so - the guilt, the shame. I was only a speck of dust. I envied those whom He saw as gold. I envied those who had continuous relationship with Him, while my relationship was on and off. Everything became so familiar, and I got sick of it.

I've always wondered whether I'll go to hell some day. My worthlessness. My vulnerability. My shame. I'm always stuck with predicaments that disrupt my relationship with Him. Who else could I blame? None other than myself. And this, again, adds salt to the wound.

I felt rotten. Inside. Brokenness, which will haunt me so long as I exist.

Does God play favoritism?
I can't help but succumb to human flaws. Living in this superficial world, blinded and misled. All we like sheep, have gone astray, each of us turning our own separate way. Believing the lies which are planted deeply in our minds.

God isn't fair,
but He is just. He might give you various talents. But if you are gifted with two talents, He expects two from you. If He gives you six, then He expects six from you.

I'm facing lots of calamities. Just that the impact is aggravated with this myriad of feelings. It has been 4 years that we've continued to stay strong. There were times I felt jaded that I didn't want to give anymore. There were also times where I convinced myself to bounce back by Faith.

Faith is simple but rather complicated. This may be an oxymoron, but Faith is what carries me through. Being realistic is a barrier to shield yourself from hurt and disappointment. The world is full of pessimism. So, realism equals to pessimism.

I still hate the fact that my flesh is weak. Afterall, I'm merely human. If God embraces it, why can't I?

Everything will be fine..

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Rosabel's reaction was CLASSIC when I showed her the pictures of it. Perhaps she was dumbfounded of the layer of adipose tissues, I suppose.

Business paper was the SHIZ. So there goes my efforts of self-indulgence of erm, you know, superficial delights. Opportunity cost yo. For screwing up the paper.

Sigh. If only I was lying down on green pastures with the sweet scent of sunshine in Scandinavia, and not hard marbled floor with a bunch of Economics notes. If only I could ditch everything here, take time to smell the roses and run to Scandinavia with my iPod.

I think I'm loving Wordpress more although it is not user-friendly. Because of some superficial stuff, which alas I might not say.

Sugarcoated Superficiality. Yum.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Sometimes I am thankful that some hot guys are gay. Or at least, I think.

Because I know, I cannot have him. And the best thing is, no one else can when I can't. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROFLMAO.

Although it hurts a tiny bit, but deep down there's actually a slight twinge of happiness. HAHA 8)

AND I HAVE 2 FRIENDS OF MINE WHO CAN'T HELP BUT AGREE TO THIS. I don't think I would reveal their names, but it is REALLY OBVIOUS. HAHAHAH.

I shall not elaborate further on this matter :)

You know what?

It is such a bane to be crazy for pool right now. Stupid timing. I should be undergoing the process of nerdification right now but I'm actually looking forward to have some good game with my pals till late night.

WEEKENDS ARE ALWAYS SHORT AND LAZINESS ALWAYS KICKS IN. I am annoyed at the fact that laziness and procrastination never fail to dwell in me especially during the weekends. I contradict myself practically all the time by saying I want to push myself further to strive beyond my limits and then I hopelessly find myself idle at the same time.

You know what?

I hate posting pictures in my blog cause it is too much of a hassle and this lousy computer of mine turns off by itself when I run too many applications on it (like only MSN, winamp and Firefox). I know, Blogger has that draft-saving thingy, but by the time my computer revives back to its original state, I forget what to write. And also, my thoughts - which I have painstakingly taken the time to squeeze my brain till the juice comes out.

And when I could finally have a slight grasp to it, the stupid computer annoys me once again and dies on the spot. I have 0 patience. It is impossible for me to pen my thoughts down cause I would be so busy kicking and cursing this piece of crap.

To my disbelief, it is alive again. Then it is dead. It is then alive. And dead. And alive. Dead. Alive. Dead. The process becomes so mundane that you have already acquired immunity against it.

.....shall go do some Math now. But I am feeling a tad sleepy. This stupid idiosyncrasy (of being super duper slow in doing Math especially at night) of mine is really aaaannnnoooooyyyyyiiiiiinnnnngggggg!

EDIT: Oh my goodness, I wonder what went wrong today because I couldn't even hit the stupid red balls into the pocket. I tried hitting it, hoping that it would move to the pocket at 90°. But it moved in an opposite direction, messing up the entire arrangement!!!!!!! It is probably because of the stupid table and the cue(?) since Khai and I took a whooping 30 minutes to complete it.

I guess I'd still prefer playing in private, in Ken's hang out crib, since there will be no eyes watching from afar, no pressure, etc. Best of all, it is free of charge! Now, who doesn't love free stuff?!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

This is a story of noob, who was initially deemed as a fool but played so damn good in pool.

I beat him once. He beat me once, too. It was so close! Geez. Sucker.

PS: I don't know why there are two videos when I only uploaded one. Even brother Google couldn't lend me a helping hand. IT IS SO FLIPPING ANNOYING.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Directionless lives ; nowhere to go.

I'm feeling low, today. Because I feel like a piece of crap. And everything around me seems invisible and transparent. I'm so oblivious to the obvious because I can't see. Too overwhelmed.

A broken string, unplugged. Nothing but defeaning silence, and it becomes an unpleasant clamour of silence. In the realm of nothingness. The sun forbears to shine, its rays dissolved in the wide horizon. I see broken light rays. A void that is too infinite, beyond what I could grasp, beyond any human comprehension. The remaining pieces in the void are scattered everywhere. Picking each piece, becomes a burden. The littlest effort goes to waste, futile. A spark of hope is ignited, but winds of doubts are much stronger. The spark. It is gone. Optimism evolves into a cocoon of pessimism. The void is left unfilled, incomplete, once again.

I don't want to feel, because I refuse to give my emotions and impulsive thoughts a stronghold in my mind. I still can't get used to it.