Mood swings are inevitable. I would be lying if I were to say that I've never experienced it. There are series of ups and downs, which I presume you are able to see that some posts are about some crazy stuff and some are just downright depressing. Inconsistency. The day officially wraps up with some reflections. Words, thoughts, actions ; they linger in my mind.

I realize that I depend on Him a whole lot. In whatever I do, in whatever I accomplish, I really depend on Him. But sometimes, my dependency on Him becomes so mundane and I don't see the significance of it. I admit, I've been struggling with my past (and also present) about actions that I have done which have hurt Him and also myself. Taking things for granted, skipping devotions/prayer time because I was just too occupied with my own stuff. The exhaustion. Days turn to weeks. Weeks changed into months.

The connection was lost. I wanted to get closer to Him, but my past actions have hindered me from doing so - the guilt, the shame. I was only a speck of dust. I envied those whom He saw as gold. I envied those who had continuous relationship with Him, while my relationship was on and off. Everything became so familiar, and I got sick of it.

I've always wondered whether I'll go to hell some day. My worthlessness. My vulnerability. My shame. I'm always stuck with predicaments that disrupt my relationship with Him. Who else could I blame? None other than myself. And this, again, adds salt to the wound.

I felt rotten. Inside. Brokenness, which will haunt me so long as I exist.

Does God play favoritism?
I can't help but succumb to human flaws. Living in this superficial world, blinded and misled. All we like sheep, have gone astray, each of us turning our own separate way. Believing the lies which are planted deeply in our minds.

God isn't fair,
but He is just. He might give you various talents. But if you are gifted with two talents, He expects two from you. If He gives you six, then He expects six from you.

I'm facing lots of calamities. Just that the impact is aggravated with this myriad of feelings. It has been 4 years that we've continued to stay strong. There were times I felt jaded that I didn't want to give anymore. There were also times where I convinced myself to bounce back by Faith.

Faith is simple but rather complicated. This may be an oxymoron, but Faith is what carries me through. Being realistic is a barrier to shield yourself from hurt and disappointment. The world is full of pessimism. So, realism equals to pessimism.

I still hate the fact that my flesh is weak. Afterall, I'm merely human. If God embraces it, why can't I?

Everything will be fine..