Stabbed by pangs of nostalgia.

Rainbows are nostalgic. And so are personal diaries and songs. They reflect on my past, my childhood, my bittersweet life, intricate feelings, relationships, and the list goes on. I can't deny the fact that I miss it. And because of that, I'm just.. not ready for the future. Not really ready yet. I keep harping on my past, subconsciously. I'm walking forward, but my head's tilted to the side, looking back at my footsteps.

Its time to venture into the month of February, but I still feel like living in the year 2007 would be better off living in 2008. Its time to bid January goodbye but guess I'm just not prepared for 2008.

Pretense, or just paranoia?

I'm trying my very best to take a step forward. To move on. But I keep hesitating. I can hardly feel my feet on the surface of the ground whenever I try to lift my feet up.

Fear or merely ambiguity?

I keep hesitating. Whether to take a step forward or just stay stationary. But I'm willing to move out from my comfort zone. I'm willing to take up the responsibility and face everything once and for all. But then, its difficult being in predicaments like these.

Being pessimistic or realistic?

I doubt myself. All of a sudden I realise that I'm just so tired.. of being, me. (Super cliche. LOL)

I'm standing on the intersection point of reality and reverie. No pun intended.

A tad confused, though.

But I'm still keeping the Faith. And still believing (:

Isaiah 26:3-4

He will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in Him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord! Trust in the Lord always, for in the Lord, Jehovah, is your everlasting strength.

Amen.

There will be a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

But I've not seen mine yet.

Things are still the same, unchanging. I no longer have the strength to carry on. Countless times I've tried consoling and comforting myself, but I am just barely hanging on. Feeling dejected, I do not know whether to continue or to just call it a day, and start everything anew. Hope is what I'm trying to keep alive at the moment, and the reason why I'm still believing and clinging to hope is because of Him, sustaining me all these while, through thick and thin.

Faith is the primary reason I'm trying to keep the fire burning. I don't want it to die down. I'm still waiting, wishing and hoping that things will change. Waiting can be really burdensome at times. I can't help but feeling weary for everything that had happened in my life. I doubt the future. It terrifies me so much.

Or so, maybe I should tell myself, that I'm just jaded. That's all. I don't need a reality check, either.

It's hurting me. The pain becomes too agonizing till I feel nothing but just numbness.

He's being used, and I'm feeling the pain. He's changing to someone whom I do not know at all. I feel as if I'm pushed aside, tossed and turned, neglected and thrown aside. I know his intentions. The reason he's trying to endure this is because of us, but should we just put a stop to all this, and just start everything, from the beginning again? I hate his stupidity, but I'm trying to understand his predicament. Perhaps he's still cleaving to hope. I don't blame him. But it becomes so difficult when I keep clinging on to hope and at the same time I am on the verge of giving up.

Right now, I pray that God will grant me the courage and strength to move on, despite of the unforeseen circumstances. You are my only confidant. Help me to face the calamities and conundrums of life. Make the pain bearable and give me peace in my heart. Keep me, believing, for Your plans never fail. I've held on for 3 years, and I'm still believing.

Rain or shine, I would still continue to look for that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

When, how, I pretty much have no idea, but one thing I'm sure is that,

I'll be waiting.

Tagged by my dearest Fii :)

1) Do this tag and answer all the questions in your own blog.
2) Delete question 20 and add one of your own questions instead.
3) Tag 8 other people.

Questions.

1) What was your dream when you were a kid?
Erm. I wanted to be a chemist/fashion designer/veterinarian /songwriter/gynecologist, etc.

2) What was the happiest moment in your whole life?
When I'm fully healed from the wounds of the past, and how God touched me and brought me closer to His side.

3) What do you wish to have right now?
The semangat to celebrate Chinese New Year.

4) When was the last time you horse laughed?
All the time? Haha. :P

5) What did you realize recently?
Constant scrutinization is something which I have to face, from time to time. Be mentally prepared about endless criticism and BRING IT ON! xD

6) Which bad habit in you is the most unacceptable?
I procrastinate too much. And I always do things half-heartedly. IBangang betul lar!

7) When you are unhappy, what will you do?
Pour it all out to God, scribble my blog, or have a heart-to-heart talk with my heng dai chi muiz. :)

8) What are you afraid of losing?
Things that I have gam cheng (feelings) for.

9) Within 5 years, which target is the most realistic?
I'll probably be pursuing a Ph.D in Harvard University. Or perhaps I'll be a successful _____ (I'm still thinking what to pursue after SPM), that everyone would look up to. >_*

10) When you meet someone you like, will you hide or profess your feelings?
I used to believe 'If you don't ask, you don't get'. Right now, I still do live by that, but I've learned to go with the flow, and just bantai in whatever I do. xD

11) List out 3 kinds of people you cannot stand.
- Rude infidels
- Stupid people who live in denial
- Lala/Jinjang people who do not know how to dress properly. Such a faux pas, really! But they choose to think otherwise.

12) Define loneliness.
Emptiness, and knowing that you have no one to rely on, and yet, you wish for something which is not within your reach.

13) Are you satisfied with your life now?
Okok ler =,=

14) When was the most recent time you felt touched?
Few days ago.

15) Where is the most beautiful place that you have visited?
Err, shopping paradise/heaven? :P

16) A song that has been playing in your mind recently.
Leone Lewis - Bleeding Love.

17) If you could have a wish come true, what would it be?
To have endless wishes that will come true :D

18) Do you have anything to be worried or scared about lately?
How on earth I am going to survive in nooraihan's class! Mr Azmi has warned me beforehand, not to erm, slack and yak too much. LMAO! At the moment my left arm's freaking me out too. D:

19) If the world is going to end, what will you do?
Try to tell as many people as possible about the gospel. I might be labelled as a nincompoop, but, nevermind.

20) If you woke up naked (ggfied. LOL), and you realize that you're not you - you found out that you're a different gender, what would you do?
Look into the mirror and see how hot I am. And hook up with some erhem, hotties. :P

I shall tag.. Eileen, Andrea, Ivan, Esther... anyone!

Brb. Serious stuffs, later.

I'm depressed, right now, and barely hanging on. Where my heart still is, I admit I'm not too sure. Downright depressing. I don't know how to pour everything out. The tears aren't coming out. And I hate the tears. I hate it when tears brim my eyes when I'm sad. It burns. Why is that I'm so paranoid of the future?

It's because there will lasts, and I'm afraid of firsts.

I think I've had the slightest taste of a downfall.

My dreams, whatever, only exist as mirages. They die, in reality.

Seems like joy is only evanescent. Why won't it linger a little more longer?

God. Help. Me. You're my only refuge.

So.. I got tagged. By my sai lou, Ivan xD

(1) List out the top 5 presents you wish for: -

- an iPhone. I opted for this but.. sigh. Oh well.

- 10A1s for SPM! Haha :)

- an ATM machine that will never ever run out of cash. In my house. xD

- a VAIO laptop.

- A new mansion. Har :P

(2) The person who tagged you this: Ivan Tan Jia Wei! :P

(3) Your 5 impressions of him :

- Taller than me. swt~

- Berbadan sasa? LMAO! He's so skinny lah :o

- A very devoted and Faithful Christian :)

- A manu fan. boooooooo~ xD

- Cool person to be with =)

(4) Most memorable things he has given/done for you:- Hmm. I guess he does actually listen to my incessant ramblings. Haaaaa. :D

(5) If he becomes your lover, I will : OMG. INCEST LA DEI! D:

(6) If he becomes your enemy, the reason will be : Its because I'm a guy and I'm way hotter than him >_*

~ Pass the quiz to 5 people that you wish to know how they feel about you ~

- Eileen

- Fiona

- Andrea

- Wendee (She's in Jeremiah School now! >.<)

- Meredith (haha)

And by the way, school had just started, barely a week, and its draining me out. Not a good sign :(

Gunners vs Spurs. Again.

Peanuts laaa :D

......Berbatov?

Nah.